Amy’s Garden

A Rough Evening

Lydia loves Luke. She really does. But sometimes, she is in a groove with her monkeys or ponies, and Luke gets in her way. He’s just being a normal toddler, interested in what she is doing, but she is NOT in the mood to be bothered or share. She convinces herself that Luke is going to put her toys in his mouth, and she pushes him down. We’re talking about a very intentional, two-handed shove. (These pictures are not related to the post other than they show my lovely offspring.)

I can’t even remember what we did the first few times this happened. I know one time I put her in time out, she laughed, then she had a major tantrum, I tried spanking, and the situation was completey esclated and out of control. I hate hate hate this kind of reactionary discipline, yet I found myself doing it.

It was probably over a year ago that I had Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years checked out from the library. I can’t remember all the details, but the basic premise of Love and Logic is that you show sympathy, not anger, when a child misbehaves. The reason you can show sympathy is that the consequence for the behavior has been clearly stated ahead of time. That way, when the offense occurs, you can just say, “Oh, I’m so sorry that _________ (unpleasant consequence) has to happen now.” It keeps the parent cool, calm, and collected. It also makes the child completely responsible for her own actions.

So, I told Lydia that the next time she pushed Luke, Snuggle Bud would spend one night on the top shelf in my closet.

Wow, yes, I really said that.

Well, it happened earlier this week. She pushed Luke, but I didn’t see it, and she denied it. What to do? I was 99% sure she had done it, but I just couldn’t follow through on the consequence without knowing for sure. I decided to let it go. I didn’t even mention Snuggle Bud.

That evening when she was having her bedtime snack, she suddenly said, “Mommy, I don’t want you take Snuggle Bud away!” I wasn’t even thinking about the pushing incident, and I said, “Would I ever take Snuggle Bud away?” Then it occurred to me why she was worried. I thought to myself, “Aha!! So you DID push your brother!”

However, since we had already been through the interrogation, and since I had not seen her do it, she got Snuggle Bud that night, but I knew if I ever witnessed her doing it again, I would HAVE to follow through, since obviously she had not forgotten about my warning.

Well, today we were at Nana and Poppy’s house. I had taken Luke to the doctor to check for and ear infection that wasn’t there. We came in from the appointment, and Lydia was playing with some Valentines she had made with Nana. I put Luke on the floor, he walked over to where Lydia was, and she pushed him down. It wasn’t really a hard push, and if it had been the first time, I might not have said much about it, but given our history, I grabbed her up and took her to the hall. I reminded her that now Snuggle Bud would be spending the night on the top shelf of my closet.

Of course, her reaction was to protest, but we got her going on lunch and made it through without too much hoopla.

Then, bedtime came. Keith and I spoke in hushed tones as the moment drew close. I was pretty nervous, but I was determined to stick to my guns. I told her Snuggle Bud would be spending the night in my closet, but she could choose another toy to sleep with.

We proceeded with our normal bedtime routine. Her mood variated from genuine sobs of grief to perky comments about the book we were reading. I just kept plowing through. She dragged out the story time by adding new, silly elements to the Rudolph story. At the end of the routine, I left the room, and she cried for quite a while, pleading for us to bring back Snuggle Bud.

Finally, Keith and I went back in together, gave her a drink, and took turns telling her one more story and sang one more song together. She snuggled in with her toy puppy, and we haven’t heard from her since.

She’ll get Snuggle Bud back in the morning.

What about the pushing? We’ll see.

What about the parents? It was a rough evening, but I can go to bed knowing I didn’t react in anger, but planned ahead with love.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. ~ Hebrews 12:11